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Lostandlookingtoforgive

Member Since 20 May 2012
Offline Last Active May 21 2012 10:14 PM
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Posts I've Made

In Topic: Letters to God

20 May 2012 - 05:48 PM

Dear God, This is going to be a letter from my heart. From the beginning I've known about you. My mother did her job in teaching me who you are, but I didn't hold up my part when I became an adult. I don't know why, I'm thinking maybe a part of me was mad at you. At such a young age I was sexually abused, and hurt by the one person I loved. I wanted to love him, he was my father. I've always been mad at you because I don't understand WHY? I WAS A CHILD, THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD HAVE DEFENDED MYSELF. WHY WOULD YOU ALLOW HIM TO DO THAT. WHY, WHY, WHY??? That is all I want to know, I had never did anything wrong before then. I feel you allowed him to ruin me, because you let it happen. I cried, and cried. It has ruined my world. I became a scared and sexually confused person. I did things even as a child that were sexual, and I knew they were wrong but I didn't care. I built up with so much rage, so much pain. I'm still in pain. I lied, and stole, I did a lot of wrong growing up. I don't want to say it's all because of that, but I feel if it didn't happen my life would be different. I felt like I was being punished for something, but what? I grew up to hate myself, I grew up to hate life. I've tried killing myself just so It could stop, but it never did. It's said you do stuff for a reason, but what was your reason for RUINING my life... I deep down hated you, I hated you, because I though GOD was going to protect me, but I also loved you because I knew I had too. I'm not trying to put EVERYTHING I did wrong on that one thing, but I can't shake the feeling that I would be a better person. You've given me so much in life, more then I could ever ask for. I thank you for this.. You've put a wonderful man into my life, the one man that I know loves me, but I can't love him, or feel comfortable around him because of my past. I've been living in sin, and you know it's been bothering me, but now we are getting married and a part of me is excited, but also EXTREMELY scared. I'm scared because I don't feel like a women. I mean, we don't have any problems, but this one, and he doesn't even know how big of a problem it is.... I don't feel like a women because I won't be able to make love to my husband. I won't be able to give him children because I can't have sex. You've cursed me with this sexual dysfunction. I don't feel like I deserve it. I find myself jealous of people who are able to have sex, but I don't understand why I can't. Sometimes I feel like a baby crying to you about this, but I'm scared that it can and will ruin my marriage. I feel useless, and a waste of space. I'm scared I'm gonna end up on the street, because I can't get my education... I'm just so MAD I'm MAD you allowed me to be violated. I'm MAD that you gave me a crack addict for a step-father. I'm MAD that you allowed my mom to turn her back on her family. I'm MAD that I can't be happy, I'm MAD that my heart hurts. I'm MAD about all the things I've done in the past. I'm MAD THAT I'M SCARED YOU WON'T HELP ME.... I'm scared your giving me these problems because I turned my back on you. I'm so sorry from the bottom of my heart.. I'm sorry... but then I love you.. I love you because, you died for me. I love you because, I know you love me. I love you because, you've kept a roof over my head. I love you because, you've helped my mom find you again. I love you because, you've gave me an amazing fiance. I love you because, your healing my relationship with my brother.. I love you because, you've been there. I'm just scared that I'm going to loose EVERYTHING that I love because, I can't love. I don't want to lose Louis, my mother, my brother, or anyone else because I'm messed up. I'm scared of never loving. I have fears that are in my heart that I know you see, but they aren't coming to mind. You have done so much for me, that it hurts that I blame you, I don't want to blame you. I want to love you with my WHOLE heart. I never really realized, I blamed you before this letter.... I don't like it.. I don't want this feeling... Deep in my heart I want my abuser to suffer, I want him to HURT as bad as I do... I want him to REGRET ever touching me... but I know that's my hurt heart talking... I know in the end he will have the answer to you, but it isn't happening soon enough for me. I want him to HURT!!! This train of thinking isn't Godly, nor is it healthy for me..... I'm hurt that I'm attracted to other women, I'd NEVER be with a women because I know it's against you, and because I love Louis. I don't want these feeling of attraction to women. You know what I've done with a women and I BEG you to forgive me. I don't want that life. I want to live to praise you, and to teach my children to praise you.. I want to have a big family, you know my hart, I would love to have children from all over the world. haha but how can I raise a healthy and happy family with all this pain in my heart. It bothers me because I feel like I put too much thought into this sexual abuse thing, but I can't help it. I need you to fix that. I feel like I shouldn't complain because there are people who have it a MILLION times worse then I do. I could be on the street, hungry, and alone. but I'm not because of you.... I have more then I could ever ask for and then some, but i don't know why I feel this hate, jealousy, greed. I feel like I'm asking too much from you. I don't know how much I can stress how grateful I am to you! You have been nothing but an amazing God to me, when I've been worthless to you.. I know there is more I need to say, but I can't think of it now, and I know you, know my heart and help me as soon as you see fit. I want to leave all my problems behind, and open a new door. I'm happy about life. I can't wait to be a wife, and a mother, and a faithful child of God, but I don't know what to do. I want to hold my head up high, and I want the world to see that I am blessed. I want to be with Louis for forever. My heart is all over the place and I don't know where to begin, so I ask you to help what you see fit. I beg you to keep the devil at bay, keep him away from my heart and the people I love. I love you lord, I'm gonna trust my all in you. It's harder said then done, but I'm going to work my hardest on it.

In Topic: HELP ME....PLEASE YESHUA HELP ME!

20 May 2012 - 04:43 PM

Dear our father in heaven, You are an amazing and righteous God. I thank you for allowing us to see another day, but I come to you to pray for this women and help her find her way. I ask you to help correct what is wrong, and soften her roommates heart and change his mind to stay. I'm still learning how to pray, but I'll do my best.