Posted 20 September 2009 - 10:57 AM
Father, I am really struggling. It has been such an emotional week, and the one that is coming seems destined to be the same. I don't like myself much right now, Lord, so it's hard to imagine that you are interested in my prayers when we both know that they are so full of self interest at their core. I'm so sorry.
Abba Father, this week has brought to light so much pain and ugliness in me. Even when one I love is struggling with things that I have been spared, I am still so self-seeking, still so foolish in my heart. My fears are even full of my greedy nature.
Father, my friend, P, says these fears are understandable given the things that have happened to me, but does that make me entitled to keep them? Does that mean I am allowed continue in selfishness? Yet, Father, I cannot seem to stop trembling inside for the grief that is mounting up and the anxiety over what may come next. This cannot be of you. It is the product of a heart and a spirit that still has one foot in the world and one eye on herself.
I miss C, Lord. I know she will be back soon, but I don't know what will be left of her after this rescue mission to save poor, tortured R from herself. The reports are sparce, and when they come, they are filled with grievous news of things that I can't stand to think of my precious sister enduring. You have held me all the way at the margins, Lord, to do nothing except pray and wait. I know this is right, that you should increase and I should decrease. So why? Why is it such a struggle for me? Why am I not satisfied to trust it all to you and be at peace? What makes me think that anything I pray or any amount of fasting or any professions of devotion amount to the slightest thing?
It took all my courage to trust her, Lord, will I lose my sister now? Will there just be no more of her left after all she has endured? I don't know how to minister to her. I don't know how to help her. I don't know how to keep her supplied with faith and strength. I don't know how to pour myself out so that whatever is good in me gets used for her good and your glory. How do I know, Lord, if what I have been trying to do in fasting prayer is enough? How do I know if you are using it for anything more than to show me my broken, naked self in the mirror?
I can only plead with you, Jesus, to help my dear one today. To renew her and open doors for her and make every provision for her. She needs you so much and she is so tired and spent. I can only plead with you to keep her in peace and to assure her of your love and your Jeremiah 29:11 promise to her.
But what of my sweet sister's love, Lord? Is it right for me to also plead with you to keep the commitment C and I have to be bound tightly together for life? Is it right for me to implore you to use this situation, which the enemy has meant for evil--for much ripping and tearing--to draw us nearer to you and to each other? Will you shake your head at me if I plead with you for the assurance that this sisterhood will continue to grow and blossom? Dare I hope that R will recover and that we can be a cord with THREE strands? These are the prayers that want to erupt out of my heart, Lord, but I fear they are so full of my selfish desires and my foolishness that you will wave me off and tell me that I'm still getting things all wrong with you.
I am crying out to you, Jesus, because I'm struggling to be better than I am...to love you more than myself...to love you with my whole heart, soul, mind, and strength. To place you high and lifted up above anything and anyone else in my life. Please, in your mercy, as you help me in this endeavor, and as you melt me with your refiner's fire, please protect this sisterhood from destruction or from simply turning to vapor. Send me your clear assurance and hope very soon, dear Jesus. I'm such a weak one, and still so small in my faith, that I need more than I can see right now. I'm sorry, Lord. I feel like such a spiritual midget right now, but there's no pretending any differently.
Hear my prayers, precious Lord, and answer with favor, my God who is mighty to save. I pray in the Name of Jesus. Amen.