Posted 31 May 2009 - 01:38 PM
Dear Lord, I have held on for my family for so many years; it hurts terribly to live near the coast because the fog and wind rip my body up with unbelievable pain, yet so few people have this kind of physiological problem that people just don't seem to take me seriously. My doctors don't even try to make a more explicit diagnosis--they just give me painkillers.
Now, after attending her first 12-step meeting in a decade (probably having to do with eating but I didn't ask), my wife came home and started confusing the time line around my symptoms, accusing me of fabricating some of my symptoms to get drugs. This is positively untrue in every sense of the word; she was there when I started having weird sypmtoms, and when I began using the painkillers, but has forgotten everything (I sure as heck haven't), and has started spouting nonsense. I hate taking painkillers and want to live where it is warm enough I don't have to use them. I know there can be a lot of absolutists who don't listen in 12-step programs; that's one reason I don't go to AA meetings as I one did (I stopped drinking 22 years ago and never looked back, not once); the other reasons are the "11th step" which restricts one's prayers to a narrow area of concern, and the danger of easing into idolatry (I finally had to accept that Jesus did not want me to take the 11th step; what the "step" says I should pray for is good, but there are many other types of prayer I believe the Christian needs to practice, and they are not included).
My wife's thinking and emotions are seriously compromised by a behavioral disorder for which she's in therapy; now she thinks she is in such good shape because she goes to her therapy sessions that she can tell me what to do (I have an MA in psychology and find her attitude hard to take). She still screams at me day in and day out, driving me from pillar to post, breaks promises and keeps me living where I am in exruciating pain--now she's trying to tell me the painkillers I take for it are causing the problem, without any evidence whatsoever. Were it not for my belief in a loving God, and my love for parents and kids who love me, I would turn on the gas, right now. I am almost completely without hope, and I am scared because she keeps talking about how she's "changing" and she's writing to her old boyfriends. God, is there any way I can leave this world without hurting those who love me? I can't care for myself, it seems I'm finished, and badly so.