Posted 13 September 2008 - 12:21 AM
There's a cloud over my heart tonight...except it's not even night, Jesus, because I can't sleep. It's 2:30 AM. I keep thinking of that song, Lord. It says I should "Breathe...just breathe," but I can't. I felt the cloud coming all day, but now it's weighing on me like lead and I don't know what to do. When I think of what my marriage was like, Lord, how it was bad from the beginning, how often I was disrespected, how much A's passive aggression and holier-than-thou superiority crushed my spirit, how no matter how I pleaded and cried he'd never take my advice about his business or the taxes, how he so handily crushed my dreams every time I dared to have them, how his touch made me cringe, how he never tried to shoulder some of my burdens...and so it goes...Lord, when I think of those things it's no wonder that I finally couldn't take it anymore. It's no wonder my heart grew colder by the day. It wasn't a nice way to live, Jesus. It felt so unfair. Even though I married wrongly, Lord, l was actually trying to do the right thing. I really believed, Jesus, and fear that I still believe that I wasn't worthy of more. And A never really offered more, so that just about sealed the deal on my worthiness in my mind, Jesus. Who in my life, Lord, who that was important and who that was supposed to be reliable ever helped me to feel worthy of much more than spit? And now, Father, here I am with a broken family, A still in complete denial about the enormity of the taxes, and more bills to pay than I can count in an afternoon. Even if we're broken apart, Lord, A is "family" because of our daughter. I hate it that I have to sic lawyers and all kinds of professionals on a family to try and save me and my daughter from financial ruin. I hate it that I have to carry the full weight of this mess like somehow I deserve it because I'm unworthy of better. I'm torn into shreds, Lord. It's horrible! I might have been able to tough it out and just live in my little bedroom if he'd have had a brain in his head and an ounce of ambition. But even now, Lord, he won't take any real responsibility. Even now he's happier to be a martyr than to do what's right. Not one day in our life together did A ever try to build me up or protect me. I'm sorry, Lord, but how in the world could I live with that?
And what of L, Lord? He plays hard, but goodness he works hard. He encourages my creativity and independence. He makes me feel worthy. And he seems to be coming around, Lord. I don't know if it's the prayers or the devil guiding him, but he seems to be coming around. And suddenly I'm scared to death. Maybe all of the awful things that A said about me are true. What if they are? I don't want to be the ruin of another man. I don't want to be the ruin of ANY man! But if I'm the self-centered manhater A says I am, then I'll ruin everyone around me and myself too. How do I know, Lord? How do I know where the line is in my heart between the sinner and the saint?
My whole life, Lord, it seems I've been waiting to be loved gently and generously and faithfully. But I get two crazy, abusive parents to violate my body and my psyche. I get a mother who won't provide a stable, loving environment for me and resents that my grandparents tried to. I get a miserably low self-esteem and a regular attraction to miserable, hurtful men. And when I finally get a husband he doesn't care what I've been through or what I want, but he feels free to criticize me at every turn. Father, I know these things have made me strong and drawn me near to you, but they have made me angry and hurt.
Listening to A carry on about how betrayed he feels...I want to be sick when he says it! Isn't it the ultimate form of betrayal when your family members use what they know about your vulnerability to cut you apart and pour salt in your wounds? Isn't it betrayal when your spouse counts you among the garbage unless there's an audience to hear him praise you?
So why do I feel badly, Lord? Why am I here looking at the possibility of L finally coming my way, but wondering if I'm worthy? Am I worthy of more or less? I don't even know anymore, Jesus. I can't even think straight because I'm having to hire tax professionals and attorneys to put the screws to my child's father because he wouldn't listen and deal with this mess years ago. I prayed my little daughter into this wonderful school, but the IRS may force me to take her out before the year ends. I may have to leave my church. I may have to go back to NJ and live with my mother who will be more than happy to tell me everything I ever did wrong in my life. I am sick over it all Jesus.
It's funny, Lord, for all the times when I thought I'd faint over my attraction to L. Tonight...tonight I just want to be held. I want someone I can love and trust to step in and take care of me. I want to bury my head and cry until I'm dehydrated. I want to know that there's something planned for me that's safe and good and happy. I want to feel worthy. I want to live out from under the dark cloud of all the awful things A said to me. I want to live out from under the dark cloud of $300,000 in taxes, interest, and penalties. I want to explore my passions and give my beautiful daughter a good and stable life. It just doesn't seem possible tonight, Lord. All I can see is unworthiness and anchors that look like dollar signs.
Please help me, Jesus. I ask in your name. Amen.