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#1 Anne27

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Posted 13 September 2008 - 12:21 AM

Lord Jesus, There's a cloud over my heart tonight...except it's not even night, Jesus, because I can't sleep. It's 2:30 AM. I keep thinking of that song, Lord. It says I should "Breathe...just breathe," but I can't. I felt the cloud coming all day, but now it's weighing on me like lead and I don't know what to do. When I think of what my marriage was like, Lord, how it was bad from the beginning, how often I was disrespected, how much A's passive aggression and holier-than-thou superiority crushed my spirit, how no matter how I pleaded and cried he'd never take my advice about his business or the taxes, how he so handily crushed my dreams every time I dared to have them, how his touch made me cringe, how he never tried to shoulder some of my burdens...and so it goes...Lord, when I think of those things it's no wonder that I finally couldn't take it anymore. It's no wonder my heart grew colder by the day. It wasn't a nice way to live, Jesus. It felt so unfair. Even though I married wrongly, Lord, l was actually trying to do the right thing. I really believed, Jesus, and fear that I still believe that I wasn't worthy of more. And A never really offered more, so that just about sealed the deal on my worthiness in my mind, Jesus. Who in my life, Lord, who that was important and who that was supposed to be reliable ever helped me to feel worthy of much more than spit? And now, Father, here I am with a broken family, A still in complete denial about the enormity of the taxes, and more bills to pay than I can count in an afternoon. Even if we're broken apart, Lord, A is "family" because of our daughter. I hate it that I have to sic lawyers and all kinds of professionals on a family to try and save me and my daughter from financial ruin. I hate it that I have to carry the full weight of this mess like somehow I deserve it because I'm unworthy of better. I'm torn into shreds, Lord. It's horrible! I might have been able to tough it out and just live in my little bedroom if he'd have had a brain in his head and an ounce of ambition. But even now, Lord, he won't take any real responsibility. Even now he's happier to be a martyr than to do what's right. Not one day in our life together did A ever try to build me up or protect me. I'm sorry, Lord, but how in the world could I live with that? And what of L, Lord? He plays hard, but goodness he works hard. He encourages my creativity and independence. He makes me feel worthy. And he seems to be coming around, Lord. I don't know if it's the prayers or the devil guiding him, but he seems to be coming around. And suddenly I'm scared to death. Maybe all of the awful things that A said about me are true. What if they are? I don't want to be the ruin of another man. I don't want to be the ruin of ANY man! But if I'm the self-centered manhater A says I am, then I'll ruin everyone around me and myself too. How do I know, Lord? How do I know where the line is in my heart between the sinner and the saint? My whole life, Lord, it seems I've been waiting to be loved gently and generously and faithfully. But I get two crazy, abusive parents to violate my body and my psyche. I get a mother who won't provide a stable, loving environment for me and resents that my grandparents tried to. I get a miserably low self-esteem and a regular attraction to miserable, hurtful men. And when I finally get a husband he doesn't care what I've been through or what I want, but he feels free to criticize me at every turn. Father, I know these things have made me strong and drawn me near to you, but they have made me angry and hurt. Listening to A carry on about how betrayed he feels...I want to be sick when he says it! Isn't it the ultimate form of betrayal when your family members use what they know about your vulnerability to cut you apart and pour salt in your wounds? Isn't it betrayal when your spouse counts you among the garbage unless there's an audience to hear him praise you? So why do I feel badly, Lord? Why am I here looking at the possibility of L finally coming my way, but wondering if I'm worthy? Am I worthy of more or less? I don't even know anymore, Jesus. I can't even think straight because I'm having to hire tax professionals and attorneys to put the screws to my child's father because he wouldn't listen and deal with this mess years ago. I prayed my little daughter into this wonderful school, but the IRS may force me to take her out before the year ends. I may have to leave my church. I may have to go back to NJ and live with my mother who will be more than happy to tell me everything I ever did wrong in my life. I am sick over it all Jesus. It's funny, Lord, for all the times when I thought I'd faint over my attraction to L. Tonight...tonight I just want to be held. I want someone I can love and trust to step in and take care of me. I want to bury my head and cry until I'm dehydrated. I want to know that there's something planned for me that's safe and good and happy. I want to feel worthy. I want to live out from under the dark cloud of all the awful things A said to me. I want to live out from under the dark cloud of $300,000 in taxes, interest, and penalties. I want to explore my passions and give my beautiful daughter a good and stable life. It just doesn't seem possible tonight, Lord. All I can see is unworthiness and anchors that look like dollar signs. Please help me, Jesus. I ask in your name. Amen.

#2 mountain

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Posted 13 September 2008 - 03:50 AM

Heavenly Father, As I come to you this morning, thanking you for your many blessing, I lift up my dear sister to you. I bring her to you with a special need. Lord I ask you to bless her and keep her. Give her a discerning spirit, wisdom, knowledge and understanding in her situation. Help her to make the right decisions for her and her daughter. Help her to stay focus and to seek your face. Reveal to her what she needs to know. Heal her of all past wounds, dear lord. I bind confusion right now in her life and I speak strength, peace and a sound mind to her heart, soul and mind in Jesus Name.

#3 gloreebee

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Posted 13 September 2008 - 05:23 AM

Lord please be with this woman who crys with you in the night. Please lift her burdens and help her to heal

#4 peggyrose

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Posted 13 September 2008 - 07:41 AM

Father i lift up anne to You in prayer. i ask Father that You turn her situation around for the good. speak to this husband's heart and give him salvation. let him see what he has done to his wife and daugther. work out the situation with the irs for the good for all involved. bring anne peace of mind and lead her to make the right choices for her and her daugther. in Jesus name amen

#5 rws3

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Posted 13 September 2008 - 04:33 PM

Lord, emotions can cause us so much confusion and questioning... not to mention pain! we ask that anne is able to discern Your will from her own desires or fears. guide her in the path You have ordained for her and bless her with peace as she follows it. Amen!

#6 Mike4Hope

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Posted 14 September 2008 - 07:46 AM

Anne: We have communicated quite a bit the last weeks. When I read your post I just "hurt" for you and your pain. I have no answers. I have no relief other than what I do when "I can't take it anymore", and let God know it. He always humbles me. He always shows me it could be worse. He shows me crosses I would not want to trade mine for. He picks me up in His arms and cries with me. As I kick and scream and vent ............... He just keeps loving me. That is all I have this morning, His love wrapped in hugs,

#7 felicia

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Posted 15 September 2008 - 07:20 AM

Anne i really dont know what to say your pain is paupable, i pray for you and i know that God hears you and he loves you.

#8 mountain

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Posted 15 September 2008 - 07:45 AM

Father I pray your peace in the mist of the storm. Speak to this situation and let your will be done.

#9 meg

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Posted 15 September 2008 - 08:29 AM

Dear Anne, it just breaks my heart to thing of anyone in such emotional pain as you are in. Honey, you are not worthless. You are a miracle of God's creation and He created you for a purpose. Please do not let anything A says or does make you value yourself any less. If anything this man sounds so immature and he knows how to hurt you. I wish you had the kind of mother who would not say I told you so, but instead say I am here for you. Anne, at least you know you will be the kind of mother to your precious daughter that will always do the best she can for her child. It is hard now with lawyers etc. but you are doing the best you can to build a better life for the two of you..admire yourself for that honey. I pray L and you can build the kind of relationship you so deserve to. Even though you have this cloud with you now, remember that behind the clouds the sun and stars still shine. You will get through this Anne and there will be good times again. God bless you so much. Dear Heavenly Father, You know everything with Anne's situation. Please come to her aid in every way she is of need. Please help her to see how wonderful she is to You. Please grant her some much needed blessings now. In Jesus name Amen

#10 Anne27

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Posted 15 September 2008 - 09:10 AM

Thanks, meg, and all who are standing for me in prayer while I'm having so much trouble standing for myself. I'm having a hard time trying to feel God's hand in the darkness, but I keep remembering this little song my daughter's kids' choir sang, I Am Not Forgotten about how God knows my name. Just the same, it's hard to recover from cruel words, old hurts, long disappointments, and the anxiety over what lies ahead for me financially and in the courts. I miss L like crazy. He stays in touch and it seems like he spends more time communicating with me than with his supposed girlfriend. I want to be hopeful and believe that somehow we will finally have a life together that is blessed by God, but right now it's hard to feel like there are blessings out there with my name on them, let alone blessings that are right around the bend and within my reach.

Lord,
I am grateful for the prayers of my friends--strangers who seem to care about me in the absence of others who should. Please bless them for their kindness, Lord, as when they show it to the least (me) they show it to you. Lord, please show me hope. L seems like he wants to come closer, but he's holding back. I know he's worried about money and the timing considering all that's happening to me. Still, Lord, we miss each other...and now he leaves for France on Friday and I don't know who or what is on the other end of that trip. Please keep him safe as he travels and let me see that there is continued reason to hang on. I am praying that he will be traveling alone, Lord.

Father, I am also crying out for your help financially. The situation here is dismal. I don't understand how I should be held accountable for A's taxes...especially when I was never part of the business decisions. It just seems unfair. Help me exit this mess smoothly, Lord. Please show me your favor...if only for my daughter's sake. She just came to the wonderful new school, Jesus. I don't want to have to take her out. She's so happy there and she needs the Christian love, fellowship, and support.

I have nothing left, Lord, except the hope of your mercy, and I ask for it in Jesus' Name.
Amen.

#11 Anne27

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Posted 16 September 2008 - 05:26 AM

Lord, I am here this morning looking for hope...hope that you will show me good things today. Father, I long to see a path out of the financial disaster that has been laid at my doorstep. I ache, Lord, for a clear path between L and me. I miss him every day, and now he's gone silent on me again. Please clear the confusion in his mind and show him that we can have a happy life together. Please remove our fears, Lord, as both of us seem to have moments of vague-but-paralyzing anxiety that keeps us from making promises. And yet, Lord, we have never been happy apart. Our relationships with others have failed over and over again in these past 18 years. I'm praying that it is time for us, Lord, and that you will direct it all so that failure is not a fear, because it is not an option. There is so much love between us, Lord. Please move in L's heart and mind, Father, cause him to think about all of our closeness; cause him to long for time together. Whoever or whatever is holding him back, Lord, please release him. It's been such a long wait, Lord. And now he's leaving town on Friday and my stomach is in knots again. Show him the way back to me. I ask these things in Jesus' Name. Amen.

#12 AlinaGrace

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Posted 16 September 2008 - 05:31 AM

Dear Anne, rejoyce in the Lord and His promises to us! He will never leave nor forsake us! I'm praying that God will bless you today and give you this special feeling of comfort. That He will bless you financially as well, for to His children He provides even when they sleep. I'm praying that you will receive joy from the relationships with people you care about, and this relationships will be blessed by God. In Jesus name Amen

#13 Anne27

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Posted 17 September 2008 - 12:54 AM

Abba Father...it's 3:30 AM and again I cant sleep. The IRS is sending me forms, trying to make me pay 2 years of A's taxes! They want me to pull Allison out of the new Christian school I just spent 2 years praying her into!!! She's so happy there and FINALLY has nice friends...I'm beside myself. I have to find a lawyer who will help me inexpensively...so far no word. It just seems so unfair. Counseling was terrible today. Here I am working 2 up jobs trying to pull myself and my daughter out of this mess and this guy can only keep pushing me to sign up for a 30 week class that's 40 miles away from my house. He kept asking me if I thought he was judging me. I said no, but he certainly seemed to have an agenda. Lord, please work in the hearts and minds of your Christian counselors here on earth. Sometimes they are really foolish. Not a word from L since early Monday AM and I fear I won't see him before he leaves for France on Friday. But I'm more afraid of what's going on with the trip...like who might be involved. Sigh. Lord, please show me with certainty that he'll be alone. Please give me that comfort. Lord, I'm asking for a break through with L. Please show him that he can trust me. I know he misses me, Jesus. Please help his heart to feel safe with me and to come slowly toward our relationship again. So much needs to be worked out, I know. Just being on the same page at the same time would be nice. Having affection again too...it's been so long. Not sure what else to say, lord. I'm just a mess and feel so torn apart. I love you, Jesus and pray for your help in your Name. Amen.

#14 florenceteiko

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Posted 17 September 2008 - 02:34 AM

My dear Anne, my heart aches reding your posts but please hang in there, God is not done with you yet. He will do this for you just as he will for me. Trust me on this one. Lord, I come before you committing a broken and torn apart friend into your care. Your word says that you know each and everyone of us by Name A\and You have called us unto a certain purpose. your daughter is troubled and distressed... please rassure her wih your love and your peace and see her through this storm. Ipray for one thing: that you see her through these debts that she carries... bring her way an understanding and caring lawyer who will help her go through this. bring christian frieds who will encourage her her way...that she will find hope. as for her situation with L, we are convinced that it is done and so we give you praise...Amen. Anne, be strong; don't give up..god willfight these battles for you...Hang in there hugs

#15 mountain

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Posted 17 September 2008 - 04:24 AM

Anne27 so days are better than others, but please hang in there. Stay focus on things above along with your daily chores. We are going to get through this. Lord Jesus, please bless Anne with a balance life. Heal her emotions and cause her to be stable in every area of her life in Jesus Name.