Posted 21 November 2005 - 12:51 PM
It is morning, and the sun has just taken a lazy yawn through the broken clouds, and the sea is calm, the waves making lazy circles around my toes, as I stand with my hands outstretched, trying to connect with you in this silence of a peaceful morning. I had thought time and again of speaking to you, getting the pain and bitterness out of my soul, but each time I could not find the energy to connect with you. My physical pain was a blanket in my head and I could not focus through that haze.
Do you remember the last time I had connected with you? That was in the evening, sitting on the park seat facing the joggers, when I saw this beautiful chubby baby girl walk up to me with a wide grin. She had an ice-cream cone in a pudgy hand, the ice-cream devouring more of her dress and hair and face, than she making a valiant act to lick it off, and I suddenly felt this pain in my gut. I too wanted to have a beautiful child, reaching out to me with her soft hands, cooing incomprehensible words, and there I reached out to you. "Oh God, please work a miracle". I remember, waiting for a sign from you, that well, you have heard me... but, u hadn't. Nevertheless, I felt, that somewhere, somehow I had connected with you. Maybe you had kept my appeal for future judgment!
I guess that you would know what happened after that. After all, it was all your design, to let me know that things cannot be rosy for ever. However, I wish you had warned me somehow, you know. At least I would have been prepared to face life in my worst phase ever. I guess, you were testing me against the pressures of life. So what do you think? Did I emerge a winner? Was I able to keep a hold on myself, despite the fact that I had a disease which would kill me and a life too short to even thank those who made me smile in my pain?
Well, if you have been busy [you get letters like this every second], I just want to fill you in. I was in the hospital the past two years, with needles poking my arms, so much so that I felt like skewered meat, those endless tests, and the white room with its green curtains. A month back, mom came with a bunch of sunflowers and put them in a vase. You will not believe, but I had a feeling that you had just walked in and grinned at me and said, "See, you are pulling it off. Not bad girl, not bad at all. I think we will see more of you". I suddenly had this vision of dancing in bright sunshine, in a garden of sunflowers and I knew that should I die, heaven would be beautiful, because you would make it so.
I do not think that I can thank you enough. Okay, I know you must be smiling at this silly sentimental overture, but honestly, you made everything so right for me. Had it not been for you, I would have lost my battle with death. Had it not been for you, I would have never realized how much my parents and my husband cared for me. Had it not been for you, I would never have spared a second look at life, and now when I do I find life bursting with ripe sunshine colors. So thank you, God, for giving me the miracle of a second chance at life, even though for only a few years. Today, as I stand alone with my arms outspread, I can feel you, yes really feel you. I know you just whispered and lovingly lifted my hair with the soft sea breeze, and said, “child look, there is life waiting for you. Go on and get hold of it”. I will heed this gift of life you have given me, because I now know that when my time comes, you will be right beside me, in that bright sunshine and the swaying sunflower fields.
I will finish my letter here. Before I sign off, I have got to tell you this – we have adopted a baby girl and I am a proud mother. Another of your gifts, and the very best! My life is now complete.
Thank you Dear God.
Hope to see you soon