Learning To Sail
Posted by heart for Jesus, 25 July 2011 · 1,260 views
Hello there PrayWay Family, today's entry is primarily a positive one. The day started poorly - I was meant to take some exercise and failed to do so. Was wrestling with some very negative thoughts and really struggling to cope with the day. I had a friend coming to visit with me in the afternoon and was very cross with myself for not being organised with my time or motiviation - subsequently left all the tidying up to the last moment and only got less than half done. I nearly rang my friend to cancel because I was so disorganized and in a muddle. Anyway managed to get myself together enough for a shower and hair wash which always makes me feel better and got down to some much needed tidying up. I had a lovely visit with my friend, and really enjoyed our afternoon together. I am sure that much of my negative thinking and anxiety stems from a root of loneliness. I went to Weight Watchers last week - major disaster zone! I had put ON nine pounds - in one week!! I was SO horrified and shell shocked. I knew I hadn't been sticking to the programme as I should but was genuinely horrified to see such a terrible weight gain. I am due to go again on Wednesday but am frankly too afraid to go and see. What I am thinking about is going back to Slimming World. I know some people there and have had a more positive overall experience with them. The mistakes I made a Weight Watchers are undoubtedly my own and I have to take responsibility for them . . . but I'm still too chicken to go back. Anyway, the really lovely thing was that tonight I went to Over Eaters Anonomous - I was very nervous, very puffed out from climbing the few stairs, and generally feeling like the new girl in class - HOWEVER- I got in the room (by the grace of God) and the people were ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND LOVELY!! For the first time in like, forever, I was in a place where there were people like me. Everything they said I could identify strongly with. There were just five of us tonight, which was helpful as more would have been overwhelming. Everyone had a chance to share and listen. It was incredibly helpful and encouraging - NO SCALES THERE!!! I am so blessed that the meeting is so close to me - some people had driven for ages to get there - they really impressed me with their dedication and determination. I was there for about an hour or so, it was an incredible and astonishing experience of acceptance and peace about it. They hugged me when I left - I'd only known them an hour! It was so lovely to be hugged and so warmly accepted. I am a convert!! I definitely want to go back next week. What staggered me was how they COMPLETELY got what was going on in my head. These people are amazing. I am so happy (I can't believe I used that word - haven't been truly happy in a very LONG time) that I have found this group. It feels like a candle in the darkness. So, tomorrow, work followed by visit with the nurse at the local GP to talk about weight loss surgery possibilities - really don 't want to do that, but at the same time don't want to die before I reach old bones either by eating myself to death. Really want to live and be useful to God. My friend and I today talked about the difference between the will and the emotions and that I can go to God with both and say "please God bring my will into line with Yours. Please put my emotions back in the correct place. Enable me to submit my will to yours Holy God so that I make good choices. I can't do this God, please do it through me." A lady tonight at O/E Anon. said that the thing that had surprised her was that her greatest weakness had become her greatest strength by handing over to her Higher Power. I'm asking God to do the same through me, to take that greatest weakness and failure and all the shame, embarassment, fear, dread, negative thinking and all the bad, black stuff and turn it into pure gold for Him. I guess what I am asking is for Him to take this death, and turn it into HIS LIFE. I so need Him to do this for me because this place of rock bottom is not where I want to be forever. What has surprised me is that in amidst of this rock bottom stuff I have found Jesus there with me. I think sometimes I forget that He is so very much more powerful and wise and good and kind than I can imagine. Somedays I don't see that. Some days I push Him away. Some days I cling on. My conclusion is that however I FEEL, that FACTS of it are that He is there with me. I guess the disciples were very afraid when they were in that boat and they thought they were sinking. I've had a lot of days recently when I've so feared that I am going to die, that my boat is sinking, and I just can't fix it. However hard I try, and on those days when I give up completely and don't try at all. But there is just a bit of me that is so very relieved that He is in my boat. That He hasn't left me in the middle of this storm of my own making. I feel like I am shaking at His shoulder and saying "my boat is sinking through food and fear and shame and all this bad stuff - PLEASE STOP THE STORM!" I guess I am now wondering if in fact He is teaching me to sail! I wonder if He is perhaps teaching me to navigate in a storm. Even if the storm is my own fault, with all the shame and humiliation and regret that that brings with it. I wonder if that is what He is doing? I do believe with all my heart that He is the only one who can take a terrible human muddle and sin and mess and all the bad stuff and turn it into the gold of obedience. I think I need that in my life. I need to surrender my will to Him. To REALLY trust Him, rather than it just being lip service. To learn to live my life on His terms rather than on my own selfish and idiotic wanderings. Because so often I do feel my life is like that little storm tossed boat. Lord Jesus please, can I turn this battered overweight muddled up frightened little boat of me over to you? Please would you be the Captain of my ship. Please teach me how to sail over the seas of life. Please help me to be real with You. Be the director of my will, so that I don't get my own stubbon, stupid way any more, but instead co-operate with You in the solid gold of obedience - please, please help me to do that. Thank you dear Jesus. Amen.